Half a Beat Ahead: What Outrigger Paddling Revealed About the Subconscious

The first moment I paddled out onto open ocean, I knew out-rigging would bring a deep sense of self-connection on many levels.

The practice of consciousness that I live and breathe, flows into everything I do — and recently, I have been blown away by how - out on the water - the subconscious has revealed itself with absolute clarity.

There’s a lot of language around “doing the work.”

Some people call choosing to have one's Soul calling the shots from the driver's seat, and constantly naming and unraveling old habitual behavioral patterns, a spiritual practice.

For me, it’s a practice in making consciousness choices. An awareness of self.

In being awake to the subconscious patterns that quietly run our lives.

One of the most helpful understandings I’ve come to is this:

The subconscious isn’t the enemy.

It’s not something to fight or judge.

It’s a system that formed when we were cognitively immature, dependent children, learning how to survive in the world.

It did its job.

It kept us safe.

It helped us adapt.

It got us here.

And when you see it that way, something softens.

There’s less judgement.

Less self-criticism.

More kindness to self. More compassion.

Because you realise:

these patterns were never personal —they were adaptive.

I am enjoying outrigger training immensely.

For many reasons -- i.e. the positive energy, the sense of community, and the leadership culture that creates a safe environment — one that brings out the best in me doing something I genuinely love.

It does feel good to compete. It is nice to win.

But winning is not my primary goal.

What I’m discovering out there on the water is something else entirely.

It is the sensation of meeting my Self. Off coming home to my Self.

There is an unexplained joy in paddling over open ocean water —something I can’t quite put into words.

It is just… pure bliss.

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In many ways, it feels like healing through out-rigging — not because anything is broken, but because something deeper is being restored.

And then… life gave me a moment where I saw something with stark clarity.

Not conceptually. But in my body.

At the very start of training outrigger paddling at the beginning of this year, I genuinely believed I was doing my best and mostly right. I have higher than average pro-prioception arising from a decade teaching yoga, and eight years training yoga teachers.

I was focused.

I was committed.

I was doing my best to work with the team.

I thought I was in time (timing).

But I wasn’t.

What I couldn’t see — until it was pointed out — was that I was consistently half a beat ahead.

Not by intention. Not consciously.

But it was there.

Subtle. Consistent. Automatic.

When I looked closer, I recognised it immediately.

This wasn’t about paddling.

This was a pattern I had lived with since childhood.

Growing up, there was a very rigid strong expectation to perform.

To achieve. To come in first.

To get the gold medal. Silver wasn't good enough.

Personally (internally) I wasn’t driven by competitiveness in a harsh way — but I was conditioned to give just that little bit more - it was what parents demanded to be loved and to belong.

To go just that little bit faster. To be just that little bit ahead.

That was the definition of success, as I was raised.

And here I was, in a six-person canoe —a sport that only works when everyone is perfectly in sync.

I understood needing to sync.

But my body was still trying to win.

That was the humbling part.

Because consciously, I was trying to cooperate.

I wanted to be part of the team. I believed I was matching the rhythm.

And yet, underneath that…

The ingrained subconscious pattern was still running.

It was such a humbling relief when it was pointed out.

Not confronting.

Not embarrassing.

Relief.

Because suddenly, I could see it.

And once I can see it, I can work with it.

From that point on, something shifted.

I began paying attention in a different way.

Not just to my own effort —but to the timing of the crew.

To the rhythm of the boat. To the collective movement.

Catching the moment where I wanted to surge ahead…and choosing instead to hold.

To match.

To complete and carry out my exit, without rushing ahead to plant my blade, even before my own body was ready.

It gave real, physical meaning to something we hear often:

“Be present.”

“Get out of your head.”

And being half a beat ahead not only meant being out of beat with the crew - it meant also being relentlessly just half a beat harsher on my own system without listening to my own body's rhythm.

What humbled me most was this:

I’ve been on a conscious development path for a long time.

Since my early 20s.

I’ve done a ton of work. Explored underlying layers and broken subconscious patterns that no longer served their purpose.

I work with clients on this -- this is what I do, working with clients on this very thing:

identifying subconscious patterns, and creating new pathways (internal and subsequently external -restructuring).

And yet — here was another one.

Quiet. Precise.

Hidden in plain sight.

A good reminder me that this journey is not linear.

It’s layered. Nuanced.

Ongoing.

And perhaps most importantly:

awareness doesn’t mean the patterns are gone —it means we are now able to see them.

If there was one huge win from outrigger training at this point in time — even if I were to stop tomorrow — it would be this:

Seeing this deeply ingrained pattern.

Recognising the gap between my conscious intention and my subconscious conditioning.

Once seen and named, it releases hold.

And if there was an art or point to life -- this is it:

To identify subconscious survival patterns in ourselves -- that have kept us alive and now no longer do. We need to apply the circuit breaker - and start creating new neuro-pathways that align with who we really are.

For the first time, success wasn’t about being first.

It was about being in time.